So far, my experience at Mills College has been great. It's a diverse, inclusive community with straight, gay, bi, trans, black, brown, beige, young, and older women and men, and every combination thereof (men are only in graduate programs). While I had some concern about fitting in at my age when I started, I promptly felt comfortable and very much a part of this exemplary SF Bay Area microcosm. I've had NO problems.
Enter a new professor into the MBA program. Now, this guy is at the top of his game in the non-profit world and I respect him and have learned a lot thus far. But, I sense he doesn't like me speaking up in class. Note that participating in class discussion is 30% of our grade, which is sizable. I'm going to guess that he and I are about the same age, and this is one class where all the other students are young women in their twenties. It's a small class - there's 15 of us.
Here's what's been going on. He skips over me every time there is more than one person with her hand raised. When my hand is up and he gives me the nod to speak, and then another person raises her hand, he defers to her and cuts me off. On one occasion, he straight up told me that he wanted to hear from someone else even though no one else had a raised hand.
So, I got really paranoid. Am I the classroom blowhard? Am I the obnoxious person that everyone groans internally when I speak? This is my second Masters degree, so I have been in A LOT of classes and I've never faced this problem. I have good relations with all the young women in the class and I love to hear what they say. Many have approached me after class and have told me that they've appreciated something that I've said. I think I'm really sensitive to classroom dynamics and discussions given I've been a lecturer myself at a State University, and have needed to mitigate classroom blowhards.
In the class after he told me he wanted to hear from someone else, I very deliberately limited my participation and took note of how many times everyone spoke. One women spoke 12 times (she is typically very vocal - he's never told her he wanted to hear from someone else), I spoke 4 times along with 2 other women, 3 students spoke 3 times, and 2 spoke 2 times. Again, he nodded for me to speak and then cut me off and deferred to another student who had raised her hand. And, as always, he gave me attitude. I have never left this class feeling upbeat or good. I always leave feeling sad, depressed, and/or demoralized. I have worked really hard to learn to honor and respect my feelings, rather than dismiss them. So, I don't think I'm completely imagining this dynamic.
But, what's going on?! How much of this is my projection? Is it age discrimination? I am the first to admit that I'm mega-sensitive to specifically white men in positions of authority silencing me. I was raised with 2 older brothers who were always heard before I was (if I even got the chance to speak). And, I've had many, many experiences where I was granted no voice by men who boomed right over me. In fact, I would surmise that one of the reasons I love academia so much is because I finally found an environment where I could speak, and be heard and valued. Now, I feel like I'm being censored even in academia (by this professor only).
I'm going to do another tally of how many times we speak up in class, keep mine to a minimum, and monitor his responses to me as compared to others. I'll let you know the results and then decide on what action to take if he continues. Any ideas or suggestions? Any similar experiences?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
I haven't had a summer off in so long that I can't even remember. It's been delicious! While I had a tremendous "to do" list, including reading for my upcoming classes, I haven't done even half. I'm okay with it. I've spent time catching up with friends and family, staying up late and sleeping in (yes, sometimes to noon!), puttering around the house, and getting started on a fitness / wellness program.
When I started my menopausal transition, I kept feeling like I needed time off to regroup, recollect, and to rethink the priorities in my life. This summer break has provided me with that time and it feels "just right." I feel nourished, rather than depleted and happy to be alive once again. And, I do have some exciting school news ...
I was awarded the Goldman Sachs 10,000 Women Initiative scholarship! This is a FULL tuition award based on merit (GPA), potential for leadership, and financial need. When I got the award letter, I literally sobbed tears of joy and gratitude. I never thought for a moment that I would get the scholarship due to my age. In fact, I almost didn't apply. Here's how my process went:
There are many (ahem) "mature" ladies in the MBA program and we had discussed the scholarship opportunity. We all felt it was a long shot given our ages and several of my peers didn't apply. But, that little voice inside wouldn't let me not apply. Full tuition for the school year is no small deal at a private college. So, about 9 days before the deadline, I started the application, which included a formal application, academic transcripts, a 3-5 page personal essay, and 3 letters of recommendation. It was at the end of the semester when everyone was crazy with finals and presentations, so my timing was poor. Yet, I managed and the three people who wrote letters for me were real troopers. I did everything I could on my end to help them as they were all busy as can be. "Help" means getting the form to them asap, including self-addressed stamped envelopes, providing bullet points on my accomplishments, driving to them (if needed) to get the signed letter, and nudging them along (nice emails saying "5 more days"; "2 more days" until the deadline, etc.).
Another thing that helped me is that I had my academic transcripts on hand. When I had applied to Mills, I ordered extra copies and thank goodness! I highly encourage anyone in academia to keep spares on hand. It's the one part of an application that you have little control over.
On the day the application was due, my packet was finally in order and I drove to Mills to personally hand it in. It felt good to do so, yet I didn't get attached at all to the outcome. If nothing else, it was good practice to work under such pressure and to know that I could pull it off.
I feel it speaks volumes about Mills College and Goldman Sachs (especially amid all the ethical issues they are currently facing) to provide such significant support to a woman my age. I also think it speaks volumes about the changing perception of mid-life women in school and in the workplace. Ladies, we REALLY are reshaping the whole concept of mid-life, aging, retirement, and the value of our skills and knowledge! Please know that if I can do it, so can you!
Posted by Anne, Chantress Jewelry, Owner at 2:59 PM
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wow, it's been some time since my first two posts. That's because my MBA program is far more demanding and time intensive than I had anticipated. I had largely underestimated the rigor of the program, which I think is important to share for those considering returning to school.
When I went in, I expected the time commitment to be on par with the full-time job I was leaving. But, this is not the case. Along with classes and homework are all of the extras that enrich my experience such as, tutoring, team meetings for projects, career counseling, workshops, clubs (I only belong to one), and meeting with faculty. In addition, our program is in the process of hiring a new Dean and students have been encouraged to participate in the process, which has been really interesting. We're down to two candidates and should have a decision by the end of this month. Back to time-- I'd estimate that I'm probably putting in about 70 hours a week. I'm not complaining though! I'm loving the experience so far and feel incredibly grateful that I'm in school, rather than working.
I don't get to have much of a social life outside of school and mitigating that with family and friends has been a bit of a challenge. My loved ones are usually okay with being "on hold" for a month or two, but when I tell them that I'll see them in two years, it doesn't go over very well. So, I pack in my socializing during the semester breaks, and try to stay in touch the best I can when school is in session.
This semester I'm taking Macroeconomics, Leadership & Ethics, Management Information Systems, and Entrepreneurship. I have about 350 pages of reading every week, along with assignments and projects. Macroeconomics is my most challenging class because math is not one of my strengths. Yet, I'm learning so much fascinating information that has a lot of application to what's going on in the economy now. I understand it conceptually; but I struggle with doing the specific calculations. Leadership & Ethics is my favorite class because it draws on many disciplines such as philosophy, history, economics, anthropology, and sociology, and it requires a lot of analysis and synthesis, which are my strengths. We just read Milton Friedman's, "The Social Responsibility of Business Is to Increase Its Profits," which was first published in New York Times Magazine in 1970. He's a capitalist supremacist and it's interesting to ponder how much social opinion has moved away from what he argued just 40 years ago.
Tomorrow begins my first day of Spring Break and I am elated - I get 11 glorious days off! No, no margaritas on the beaches of Cozumel or Red Stripe beers in Jamaica. Instead, I'll be catching up on reading and homework; sleeping in and organizing; all of which are seeming really sexy and exciting to me!
Posted by Anne, Chantress Jewelry, Owner at 1:38 AM